Good afternoon world!
I have started a positive and upbeat entry this morning and then after letting it rest for a bit I recovered it only to change directions completely because I am no longer in the same mood. Work has zapped my happiness but I get upset with myself for letting that happen! I have to learn to control this roller coaster that I find myself on.
I have decided, rather, to speak of this roller coaster in terms of my marital relationship. I am going to be exposing feelings that I have never shared with many people but I am choosing to share them with YOU today. Just in case I am not alone and it sparks a discussion that may help ladies (including myself) get through this year with as few scars as possible.
As I have mentioned in a previous post I have been with my husband for the past 24 years and the relationship has been it's own roller coaster ride but mainly it has been fairly stable. We have adjusted with the birth of our three children, we have grieved the loss of family members including four children who we never got to hold, we have traveled as a family, grown as a family and went from struggling to being financially stable and enjoying life. He is a hard working man who loves me and our family dearly. How blessed I have been because how many people can say that of their high school sweetheart?!
Why then do I want to leave sometimes?
What makes me resent him and my choices?
I have a great family who I love dearly!
I have a committed husband who stands by me through my medical issues, crazy moods and who supports my career goals.
My children need him and I know that my life would take a huge shift if we ever left.
Why do I think about resting in a bathtub ALONE for as long as I want?
Why am I wishing that I choose the music we listen to or the TV channel that plays at night?
Why am I wanting some alone time?
This is crazy because we argue less than most. We have issues regarding our views on parenting but we are doing ok and not messing our children up TOO badly.
So where are these emotions coming from?
Is it from a lack of exploration when I was young?
Is it from a lack of experience with other men that has me wondering what it might be like?
Is this the curiosity that killed the cat syndrome?
Will this pass?
I do not want to be the kind of wife that cheats because I like my husband and don't want to hurt him like that. I want to keep my promises to him …
But I am suddenly noticing guys that I had never paid attention to.
I think about sex almost as much as men do but it is rarely thinking about it with my husband.
And it is not because he doesn't please me … he does!
WHAT is wrong with me?
This too shall pass, right?!
Facing Forty a Sexual Basket-case :S